how to change minds

http://changingminds.org/techniques/conversation/conversation.htm

Conversation techniques

Opening the conversation

How do you open the persuasive conversation? The first few seconds are terribly critical and the following interaction contains many moments of truth. Here's a few pointers on how to open positively.

• Ask them easy questions: Keep the tough stuff until later.
• Ask them about themselves: A very powerful technique.
• Check your list: Be ready to ask and answer.
• Use environmental triggers: Look for ideas around you.
• Get to the point: In some conversations, niceties are not nice.
• Greeting: Get the formal start done well.
• Introduce yourself: Tell them a bit about you.
• Say something wrong: So they can correct you.
• Script the start: Write out the first few words beforehand.
• Shock and awe: Surprise them with something different.
• Wit and wisdom: Amaze them with your wit.

Their Name

In conversation, the name of the other person is one of the most important things to remember and use. It is easy to get this wrong, so this section gives you a number of things you can do and methods you can use.

• Personal name: The most important thing for them.
• Finding their name: An important initial task.
• Remembering their name: Which is easily forgotten!
• Short name: Be careful about contractions.
• Using their name: To connect with them.

Building rapport

'Rapport' is 'a feeling of sympathetic understanding', where two people feel a bond between one another, such that they will more easily trust one another.

• Active care: Don't wait to be asked.
• Co-location: Just be nearby.
• Encouraging: Getting them to speak.
• Holding gaze: eye-to-eye attraction.
• Listening: A powerful method of creating a bond.
• Mirroring: Direct copying of their actions.
• Matching: Indirect copying of actions.
• Open honesty: Exposing your own vulnerability.
• Paraphrasing: Rephrasing in your own words.
• Parroting: Simple repetition of what they say.
• Reflecting verbal style: Use their overall modes of speech.
• Reflecting words: Echo individual words they say.
• Synergizing: Combine ideas for an even better idea.
• Use their name: Show you know them.

Reflecting

The term 'reflecting' can be interpreted in two ways: sitting back and thinking or bouncing back to the other person what they have communicated to you. This section is about the latter.

When you reflect back to the other person what they have said, it not only makes sure that you have understood, it also shows your interest in the other person and helps to build a relationship with them.

In psychoanalysis, identity is first formed in the mirror phase, where we first see an image of ourselves. This can be the beginning of a life-long process of fascination with our own selves and is at the root of narcissism. Reflecting back to the other person something of themselves is thus a powerful process.

Testing understanding

You can use reflection to test your understanding of what the other person has said. This also will act to build rapport with the other person.

• Parroting: Simple repetition.
• Paraphrasing: Rephrasing in your own words.

Building

A constructive way of reflecting what a person has said back to them is do add to what they have said in some way. This helps both testing understanding and also building rapport. If you build something between you, you will both feel a sense of ownership of it and hence will be more ready to share more.

• Extrapolating: Extend their thinking into the future.
• Synergizing: Combine ideas for an even better idea.

Creating rapport

Reflecting what a person says to you back to them also builds rapport, creating a bond between you both. Reflecting can be used primarily for this purpose. It should always be kept in mind in any case, as poor reflection (or no reflection) can have the opposite effect.

• Reflecting words: Echo the words they say.
• Reflecting verbal style: Use their overall modes of speech.

Non-verbal reflecting

You can also reflect non-verbal 'body language' back to the other person, repeating what they do, rather than what they say.

• Mirroring: Direct copying of their actions.
• Matching: Indirect copying of actions.

And...

Reflecting does not always work as intended and you need to be vigilant to ensure you do not fall into any of the traps.

• Traps in reflecting: Ways it can go wrong.

And here's some other thinking about feedback...

• Rogers' five feedback types: Carl Rogers' typology of feedback.

Interrupting

Interrupting the the other person is one of the key skills of conversation, particularly where you want to change the other person's mind.

Interruption techniques

There are a number of interruption techniques you can use to 'grab the baton', taking control of the conversation. Here are some of the common methods available:

• Agreement Interrupt: Enthusiastically agree.
• Body Language Interrupt: Non-verbal signal intent to butt in.
• Clarification Interrupt: Ask for clarification. Check you understand.
• Continuation Interrupt: Pick up where they might leave off.
• Disagreement Interrupt: Disagree with what is said.
• Disinterest Interrupt: Appear disinterested in what they say.
• Distraction Interrupt: Become distracted by something else.
• Encouragement Interrupt: Keep them talking.
• External Interrupt: Use a third party to interrupt.
• Identity Interrupt: Prod the identity of the person.
• Loudmouth Interrupt: Talk more loudly than the other person.
• Motormouth Interrupt: Jumpinandtalkquickly.
• Question Interrupt: Just ask them a question.
• Power Interrupt: Use your power to grab control.
• Permission Interrupt: Ask if you can interrupt.
• Touch Interrupt: Touch them gently as you interrupt.
• 'Yes, and' Interrupt: Say 'Yes, and,...'
• 'Yes, but' Interrupt: Say 'Yes, but...'

Sustaining the conversation

It is one thing to opening a conversation, and it is another to keep it going. Here are a number of suggestions for ways to keep things interesting and lively such that the other person does not want to leave!

Specific techniques

Here are some specific techniques that you can use to keep the conversation going.

• Ask their opinion: On any topic.
• Concern for the person: Empathy always works.
• Interest in the person: Ask about their lives.
• Linking: Connect what is said to other things.
• Plans for the future: Talk about what will or might happen.
• Progressive disclosure: Tell a bit about yourself at a time.
• Tell stories: Use the power of the storyteller.
• Topical events: Talk about news and recent events.
• Topic list: Build yourself a bag of interesting topics.

Notes and tips

Here are a few additional thoughts to keep in mind when you are sustaining a conversation.

• Accepting criticism: Don't let it become an argument.
• Balanced conversation: Give and take in good measure.
• Enthusiasm for the subject: Infect them with your passion.

Also remember that the most powerful way of keeping a conversation going is simply to ask questions that the other person is interested in answering, and then doing a great deal of listening.

Closing the conversation

If some people find it difficult to start a conversation and others find problems keeping it going, it can also be difficult to close a conversation so you can either move to another topic or move away to talk with someone else.

Closing down a conversation can also seem like bad manners. To interrupt and walk away from somebody might make you wonder if they will think badly of you for this terrible social act. In practice, if you do it well, you will only leave them with a warm glow.

• Be negative: Be generally negative and poor company.
• Body pointing: Pointing your body away from the other person.
• Caught short: Say you need to go to the toilet.
• Closed questions: Create short answers.
• Declare completion: Say that the conversation is ended.
• Excuse yourself: Just excuse yourself and leave.
• Feign ignorance: Be unable to answer their questions.
• Introduce a friend: So you can excuse yourself.
• Out of time: Have another appointment.
• Phone calls: Use the phone to call you away.
• Procrastinating: Putting discussion off to another time.
• Short answers: That give no reason to extend.
• Slow down: De-accelerate to a standstill.
• Spot a friend: Wave to a friend and go to see them.
• Summarize: Describe the essence of what has been said.

You can also ease the closing of a conversation by only joining groups of people, rather than going up to individuals standing alone. This makes it easier to excuse yourself and move on.

When others try to close

A useful additional note is to watch for these methods being used by other people. When they are trying to close the conversation you can gain social credit by noticing this and gracefully letting them go.

I can see you need to leave. Go on -- I'm just fine.

If it is important for you to continue the conversation (for example if you are selling something), then other people trying to close down can be used in two ways. First, it is a signal to you that you are probably not getting through to them, and you should the perhaps change your tactics. You can also use the fact they they want to leave as a lever, letting them go only when you get what you want from them. Their desperation may well let you get what you want with a simple request. Children use this when they know their parents are worn down and trying to get some peace.

Can I go to see Janak tonight, please.

http://changingminds.org/techniques/conversation/conversation.htm